Inside. Outside.

Photo Source.

Today, after a tumultuous run-in with a certain Family member of mine, I took a breather outside and inhaled deeply and blew out all of the negative Energy I had taken on during our “conversation”.   This person has the ability to push My buttons more than almost anyone I know.  When we’re good, we’re really good, and when we are not – it is horrid. 

During My breather – I sat on the steps, beside the house and heard a buzzing near Me, although it did not sound like a usual insect flying about freely.  I turned My attention towards a nearby window, spotting the insect caught between the actual window pane and the storm window.  How it arrived there, I do not know, but in that Moment I felt oh-so-Connected to that little bug. 

For nearly two years, I have been in very much the same predicament.  Caught in the space between the inside of what currently is, and the outside of where I would very much like to be. 

When My Magical Son and I left Our Home in Seattle, and journeyed East to The Land of 10,000 Lakes to Be closer to Family in the Summer of 2011, a new Adventure seemed to Be forming for Us…nearly two years later, everything seems to still be at a standstill and more often than not, I question the decision to move back in the first place.  Yes, We are closer to Family, but everything He and I revealed in in Seattle is all but a distant memory. 

Our everyday life has become a jig-saw of trying to fit in here, trying not to step on other people’s toes, trying to keep our options and emotions to Just Us as to not upset anyone else.  For the most part, He has greatly succeeded in this “game” of back and forth, but not I.  I Feel things too deeply, I don’t Believe in keeping thoughts and emotions bottled up, and so, after long stretches of doing this – something small will trigger Me and I burst like a helium balloon suspended in the air, bumping along the smooth ceiling, until it strikes a sharp corner and BOOM!  I’ve lost it.

On days like today, I replay the Fabulous, Enchanting memories of Our life, basking in the Seattle Splendor.  Sure, not every Moment, or even every day was Perfect, but it was Ours.  Here, with so many other people roaming about, the sense of Magic and Splendor has vanished, washed away by others’ Energies and the grind of sharing daily lives Together.  Back in Seattle, although He and I were only two individual Beings walking in a sea of many, I still felt like We were special, like We were indeed living Our lives Perfectly as We wished to in Our own time and space.  If We wanted to have a carpet picnic for dinner, We did.  If We wanted to share a pizza and movie in Our living room on a Friday night, We did.  If We wanted to walk around in Our pajamas after a long day, We did.  Life seems limited here and not just because We share living space.  It seems limited because while there is Love around Us there is not as much Understanding and Magic and Acceptance as We both require for the nourishment of Our Best Selves.

And so, after many looooong conversations with My Son, We have both come to the same conclusion:  While We both have Deep Love & Gratitude for the Family We have here in Minnesota, this is not the place where Our Hearts reside. 

During Our 10 day getaway to Seattle in March of this year, He said to Me, and to Our Dear Friend who was with Us that day, “I Feel like I Belong here.  I Feel like people Understand Me here.”  That pretty much sums up how Both of Us Feel.

I Felt the same way after less than a month of moving to Minnesota, and nearly two years later the ache has not dissipated, in fact it has grown.   All of the guilt that I carry within Me for #1 Uprooting Us from Our True Home in the first place #2 Going back on a decision once it has been carried out (and lots of moo-la spent on so-called decision) and #3 Feeling like We are abandoning the rest of the Family because We call somewhere other than here Home.  The guilt is mine to overcome and Release and in time as I make My way through the two year anniversary of Our move, I am sure I will.  After all, the Family got along perfectly well and fine for the seven years We were not here or nearby, and when We return Home to Seattle once more, life will carry on for them as it Always has.  As for The Son and I – We will reestablish Our Lives in The Pacific Northwest, creating a New Home and Existence there, different from the one We left behind as We have grown and changed quite a bit in the (will Be) Three Years since saying good-bye.  Although, We never truly said good-bye, did We?

And so, after I collected Myself and My Emotions on the steps beside the house, I made My way inside, to the window where that little insect was trapped and opened the screen and storm window and Released Her into the outside open air where She belongs.